Saturday, October 18, 2008

the crack of my heart

"There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death." Prov. 16:25
How do you know if you're where you should be or if you might unwittingly be on a ruinous trek?

For two years the Lord has led me with a suitcase in one hand and my Sword in the other in pursuit of a career in musical theatre. And it has truly been by HIS hand. I am fascinated by the way the Lord so clearly has led me and His very perfect timing in revealing each next step and placing me in the lives of souls who needed to hear His truth. However, I have come to The crux. By every means of human sense, I should continue on this path...up and on...reach that dream, girl! But there is a new disquiet and to keep treading the path He so far has led me on would from hence forth be folly and most assuredly lead in destruction. For He has set steps of holiness for me to walk in that are on a less glamorous and totally different trajectory.

"They rushed down to the Jordan to meet the king. They crossed the shallows of the Jordan to bring the king's household across the river, helping him in every way they could." 2 Samuel. 19:17b-18
Am I in the best position to make every effort I can in my short days on earth to bring the king's household over the river?

I read this verse one Saturday in August and my heart cracked and up from it flooded the Holy Spirit's voice. Question after question He poured into my mind testing my allegiance to my God and revealing the hold I had allowed this "career" to have over me. And I was left with one burning thought...am I truly willing to lose my life/dreams/expectations and deny myself for the sake of His kingdom?

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15

No more questions. Just waiting on Him now to continue the reveal of His will. He has flip-flopped my heart and what I would have belittled three months ago as "settling" in life, I now prize dearly and cannot imagine anything greater than returning to the land I was brought up in and giving my life away to disciple and encourage the next generation. Once again His ways are so much higher and I find in them the salvation of the life I would inevitably lose if I went my own way. Lead on, O King...I am your bond-slave and it is no great credit to the servant for carrying out the Master's orders. Thank you for patiently guiding my heart to hear your instructions correctly.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Happy 46 Day!!

So...I'm nearly halfway through my VeggieTales Live touring experience. I thought this day would never come and yet now that it almost has, I am filled with the awareness that the next six weeks will seemingly fly by and I will soon be on a jet plane home once again. Orlando marks the exact center in both the number of our shows (92 in all) and weeks we're out on the road. I thought I'd give a little taste to any reading friends ; ) of what my typical day as a grape looks like...

I generally get up somewhere between the hours of 8:00 and 10:30 am...earlier if I've planned a phone date with my Italian transplanted sister who is 7 (sometimes 9) hrs. ahead of where I usually am...and later if it's been a particularly bumpy ride the night before. (Thank Heavens Colorado is behind us!)

I unsnap my bunk curtain and slowly push it down to the end of my bunk, hoping to not disturb any later sleepers.

Reaching my toes across the skinny aisle, I find the edge of Shannon's bunk and matrix my way out of my 3rd story loft gripping bunk ledges wherever blankets or arms aren't hanging out. Grabbing my carry on bag from the junk bunk and photo lanyard (so they know I'm legit) I fumble out into our bus's kitchenette and front lounge. Ben, our driver is usually enjoying some coffee or his last meal of the day before he heads to a hotel to sleep off the sunlight hrs and prepare for another night's journey. We exchange some pleasantries while I make my oatmeal and try to remember what city we've landed in.

If I'm not up too early, Daily Announcements might be posted so I check my duty for the day and find out what the schedule for eating and performing looks like. Most days we perform twice, but the times are different for each location. I head into the venue (nearly always a large church), ducking in and out of the crew's way as they instruct the local stagehands where to push all our equipment. I attempt to smile at some yet am fully cognizant of how ridiculous I look in pajamas, hair a-mess, clutching my things and searching around corners for the closest bathroom.

After getting all ready for the day I poke around and get to know the church layout a bit. How big is the backstage area today? Are we dancing on 4 marley or a tight 3? What nook will I return to later with my Biblia? Ahh...catering. I check out what's left from breakfast and eat a snack if I deem it worthy or need a little egg in my life.

Or maybe it's one of those days and I've completely missed the boat for breakfast and quickly get myself together before warm-ups and lunch. Two hours before our first show, the eleven performers assemble onstage and a few vie over who's playlist we'll warm-up to...30 stretch-filled minutes later we set ourselves to the routine tasks of unloading wardrobe cases and presetting. My everyday job is to locate electric outlets backstage and set up clip lamps. I feel I'm gaining skill at this job for it used to be quite a source of frustration in my day... or at least the last string of venues have been cooperative with my goal :D Regardless, it's usually an opportunity to remind myself I'm working for the Lord not men...

I pretty myself up and 10 min. to places pull on the white-washed jeans/leggings I wear for most of the show. Our first two numbers are hip-hoppy and our awesome costumer, Selina, heard my initial cries of not feeling "hip" enough and got me these Hannah Montana sunglasses so now I feel super-bad ;)

45 hyped-up minutes later and I've got a near half hour intermission (it takes these little ones quite a while to cycle through the restrooms!). This is usually the point in my day to check in with Mom or text friends. Hunter calls places and I'm back in position for another 50 min. of dancing around (and in!) veggies trying to match the energy levels of our dancing audience members. It's a joy to see them going crazy over bubbles or Mr. Lunt's ridiculous costumes. "there's never ever ever ever....etc.....been a show like VeggieTales" and I waddle off at the blackout. From there it's either a reset for the next show or a quick half hour of packing our things up so the crew can start load out.

At the end of our night, we grab a bite from our 4th meal and head to hotel rooms to shower. Once everyone is showered, our home comes rolling up and we pile on...some to watch movies, some to have a drink and party in the back lounge, or others like me don't take linger too long before curling up in our bunks with a book.

We don't really have a set schedule of days off, but sometimes we'll go a few days and then have a day off in a random city halfway between locations. Generally on our days off we chill at a hotel and explore whatever's around...I've seen enough malls to satiate any desire I had to be in one for a long time! But it's all good and I find that after a day off or a one-show day, I'm always ready to do the show again and I've missed elements of it. This is certainly a grand adventure and I feel so blessed to have a good job doing what I love to do with such a fun group of people!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A paradigm shift on being single

"As single women, we need to stop treating men as if they are our husbands. We are created with a nature that longs to serve and please a man, but when we do this, we take away his desire for a wife...Also, if women are giving men companionship outside of marriage, he will never hunger for female companionship inside marriage. Women have the ability to create a void in a man's life so he will become self-motivated to fill it with the presence of a wife."
from the book: Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen
www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com *much of the ideas below where instilled in my heart through her writing ministry*

These words uncover a whole other element to why churches seem to be filled with godly single men and women having deep desires to marry and yet not making any steps toward that calling. Too much fellowship may be the case. In a very real way, we rob the future spouses of our single brothers and sisters by fulfilling in small ways his/her need for a companion. We women are so ready to jump up and serve a prospective mate, bake him cookies, pump up his ego by paying him special attention, or respect him by hanging on his every word. Men rob women of our loneliness (the door by which we will find our contentment in Christ alone) by inviting us to be emotionally vulnerable, affirming us in more than brotherly ways, and by spending one-on-one time (even if merely for fun) without the express intent of moving towards marriage.

It used to not be like this. In our grandparents' day, single men and women didn't have such easy access to spending time with each other or talking on the phone/texting/facebooking for hours on end and in such convenience. Men had to step up and ask young women out, thereby making it known to everyone his interest in getting to know one girl better. And she was better protected emotionally by the confines of time (she had to be returned to her dorm or home at a specific time) and knowing (by the nature of him asking her out) that he valued her more than as "just a friend". What happens now is that single men and women are over-available to each other in hang-out time and emotions and this lessens the need for defining relationships and creates an atmosphere where each are receiving just enough of their "needs" (for man and woman were indeed created for each other) so that they do not hunger as much for marriage, and yet are using up emotions and experiences meant to be shared with a life partner.

Both the sexes need to pause and taking an accurate assessment of his/her relationships. Are we invoking feelings in each other without the expressed intent of moving towards marriage? Do we treat one another as brothers and sisters and as though the other person's spouse (or ours!) were present in our conversations? In what relationships are we intimate where there is no commitment? How is this crippling him/her from having eyes fixed upon the Lord's work and preparing to build a godly family?

This way of looking at cross-gender relationships comes at great cost to the feelings of pride and value we get from our flirtations and premature emotional connections, and it requires a much larger God than we often find ourselves believing in. Do we really believe that He is a Master Weaver, fully able to direct man's steps (Jer. 10:23), or that He is a Good God who longs for His children to trust in Him fully that He might pour out His blessings on them (Mt. 7:7-11)?

"My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!" Psalm 108:1

"Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth!
Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you.
With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.
I will give glory to your name forever, for your love for me is very great." Psalm 86:11-13a

Monday, August 04, 2008

re-learning to trust and wait

Joyful are those who obey His laws
and search for Him with all their hearts.
They do not compromise with evil and they walk only in His paths.
You have charged us to keep Your commandments carefully.
Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees!
Then I will not be ashamed
when I compare my life with your commands.
As I learn your righteous regulations,
I will thank you by living as I should!
I will obey your decrees, please don't give up on me!
How can a young person stay pure?
By obeying your Word. I have tried hard to find you -
don't let me wander from your commands.
Psalm 119:2-10

Friday, August 01, 2008

Hidden in Him

I've been steeping these past few weeks in this whole idea of doing things for God's glory...particularly for me, performing for His glory, not my own. What a bizarre job that you go and bust your tail (like any other hard working employee) and then at the end of your work you are applauded with cheers and standing ovations. And beyond that...people then wait outside the door for your exit to tell you thank you and what a great job you did...WHAT?! This is insanity and the perfect explanation for why as performers we can get so in our heads about our work and be constantly judging ourselves (in both a positive and negative light) based on our perception of the audience's enjoyment. It may seem like a dream to many, but for a believer in the performing arts, the battle to keep a quiet heart focused on His purposes is that much more intense.

I read a devotional writing on this very issue last week and was encouraged to remember that performing for His glory is not about stamping the name of Jesus on whatever we do, but that when we do something with the focus of our hearts being pure before Him and aiming to please Him above all, then it will be manifest through us and He will get the glory. And likewise, that it is not only before humans we perform, but that there is a whole realm of spiritual beings looking on and when God is glorified in our hearts and lives, they applaud His glory as well! What a different perspective that brings to this art!

slightly humorous and sobering anecdote:
Last weekend before our Thurs. night performance, I was spending time praying about all this and asking the Lord to make my heart pure in performing for Him and take out my vain conceit. First number... I go out on stage and feel really connected to my work and in-the-moment. I start wondering who is out in the audience seeing this great work I am doing...oh what hubrous! the exact antithesis of the heart I'd been praying for! End of the number... my character gets frustrated and hrumphs offstage...the supernatural happened that night and God's judgement landed on me. While hrumphing, I hit myself in the eye with my hand and shattered my hard contact in my eye!! I walked offstage and couldn't see a thing and my eye was killing me! I had a rather brisk costume change to undergo before my next scene but my dressing room mates helped remove the shrapnels and squirt some saline in my reddening eye. Immediately upon happening, I knew in my heart I had been performing for MY glory and He was answering my prayer of teaching me to do the opposite. The rest of the show I was utterly dependent on Him to keep me from pirouetting into the orchestra pit or other characters and you better believe that entire show was a marathon prayer asking for grace and His power. And what a magnificent time I had carrying Him all over that stage with me! And in addition, His name was praised all over the place backstage that weekend as castmates asked me how I was doing and whether I could see!!

Fast forward a week...
New contact in, a few days of rest in my body and we're back in the game. First number of the show...again, I felt super connected and a great energy, this time, however, I felt that healthy fear of the Lord and wondered instead of who was out in the audience seeing ME, but who was out there that the Lord wanted to touch through seeing me do great work. The whole show I felt in my heart that He was touching my performance and enabling me to go even further and I was singing His praises the whole show for the abilities He's given me and how He upholds me.
I can remember when I was doing West Side how incredibly in-tune with the Lord I felt during those shows, like the wings were an entrance to the place where I offered myself to Him and the whole show was a beautiful melody of depending on His provision and singing His love song. It is amazing though how we lose over time these sacred learnings. I feel I'm constantly re-learning His grace, trusting in Him alone, and looking to the interest of others above myself. Keep me in this cycle, Lord...your conviction of sin is my greatest joy.
It's not been what I've expected...but I guess it rarely is. Heartaches and begging God to show Himself have been at every turn this summer accompanied by frustration that His ways are not my ways. Or sometimes they are, but my timing's off of His. O Lord! Heal your children. Father, open her eyes to Your gospel! Please reveal yourself and grant hope to these that have lost their way. This is who You are...this is Your character...do Your work, O God! I would have despaired that He hears my voice except that I hear His. My greatest blessing these days is conviction of sin...yes, Lord, I hear You loud and clear there...thank You, don't ever stop, 'cause that's how I know we're connected. I dare not go up from here if Your Presence is not with me. And if You are there, then all I can do in these heartbreaks is trust that You are who You say You are: You are good - You care far more for Your children than I...You are sovereign - You have the power to change hearts and circumstances...Thus: You're timing is not mine. You are still at work and You are in the business of revealing next steps not life plans. And as long as Your Presence is with me...the next step is all I desire.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

another suitcase, another hall

ah, yes, dearest friends...it is definitely time for a little update.

Two months in Birmingham have come and gone and in the life of Anna Joy Blackmon, that means it's time to move across the country and change my life. I do in fact leave here on Friday to spend the next couple months with my dear sister in Washington D.C. I'll be helping her with my precious niece and nephew while she finishes her Masters work and her husband works in Italy preparing for their move there this summer. Yes, Rachie and Pepper are moving to Naples, Italy for three years! I'm very excited for them and I just try not to even think of the terms "miss" and "distance". The Lord's hand is all over this move, so we will deal with the hard effects as we go along.

I am incredibly grateful for how the Lord organized the time I got to spend here at home. I have worked almost every day as a substitute for Briarwood Christian, mainly on the elementary campus but also for the junior high and high school. I have enjoyed this position very much and look forward to coming back to it when I am home...maybe...some day in the future...I guess you never really know if you'll return to a place. I've also been employed choreographing for 2 high school productions and another high school group that I work with in the summers. I thought after Holidazzle that I was creatively done for the time being with choreographing and just needed to go and be inspired by performing someone else's work besides my own, but the Lord gave me the creativity I needed and I had a ton of fun, especially working on "West Side Story" for my alma mater!


The theme of my heart during this time home has been pretty consistent with the general theme of my life the past year....trust. Trust, trust, trust that the Lord is the Keeper of tomorrow and that His plans are good, perfect, and always revealed in the moment we need to know them. I am constantly revisiting the spiritual altars I've built along my journey where Christ has manifested Himself to me in powerful ways and proven His faithfulness to grant me everything that I need. I've been spending much of my Bible time reading again of the early nation of Israel and how forgetful she was of God's sovereign and GOOD hand on her. Oh, may I not be as stiff-necked as she in remembering daily who holds my very breath and appoints its comings and goings.

So whatever these next two months, this year, this future holds for me...I'm excited for the adventure knowing that He who has always been my Helper will continue to strengthen, guide, and love me until the Day of His Return. Maranatha!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

True Love's Kiss

If you haven't seen the movie Enchanted yet, I highly advise taking some young relatives out with you to see it this holiday! Hunger for meaty intellectual vittles it doesn't feed, but is perfect fodder to inspire the heart. And it reminds me of days in S. Florida, twirling down sidewalks! Oh, the innocence and purity of it all. Thoughts of the Pevensies and words of C.S. Lewis I once read about believing miracles are mixing in my mind and I don't have much verbal output on it all except that I believe it to be a good thing to dream and to not rule out the possibilities of Andalasia and flying reindeer. And innocence and optimism, tempered with wisdom, are good traits in ourselves, that should be nurtured, not squelched, even if the rest of the human group marches on to the beat of 'show me'.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

sad...!

I feel sad. But. I feel okay with that. I like to sit and stare. And the pep people usually associate with me is slower in coming out right now. But I don't feel sad that I'm sad or bitter about it. Maybe it's just that something's missing and I feel a sadness deep down, so I'm sad, but because I don't know what it is...I can't really be sad over it. I remember after my friend Natalee died, that months later when I was still just...sad...I thought, 'Well this just must be how it goes. You reach a point in your life where you realize that life is just hard and from there on out it's just a battle. But then I had really good times after that. A year and a half later I went through my most happiest to-date. For months I couldn't wait to get up everyday and drink in each experience that was waiting for me. So I sense that it's an ebb and flow. And I'm really thankful for that perspective this time around. I'm settled in my sadness and I appreciate its lessons. So, in a way, I really feel kind of happy about it.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Really really important to me right now...

"But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." 2 Timothy 1:12

Thursday, October 25, 2007

at a crux

My parents are extremely supportive of my theatre career choice and without their emotional and financial support there is no way I could have the freedom to be doing this right now. That said, a couple weeks ago my dad and I were chatting about my future and he made the comment that at some point the fun will have to end. I'm not really sure what he meant when he said it and it didn't bother me because I too feel the "fun" of this lifestyle wearing thin, but now I stand at a real crossroads and I have no idea what direction the Lord is wanting to take me in.

I could go home. I have great friends there, a thriving body of believers, plenty of contacts who would hire me up in a second, and there is great theatre produced there. The part of me that wants to be found by a wonderful guy and have a stable, familiar life full of love and sunshine beckons me to Birmingham.

But I have this option in front of me. 6 months commitment to the city that holds my dreams. I have just returned from a quick trip there on which I was reminded of both the very frustrating things of living there, but also the parts that make my soul soar. I'd be risking all my finances, I would invariably feel lonely, and sometimes I fear that too long a stint there would callous my heart to seeking to serve others. And of course there is always that looming fear that I just might not be good enough for my dream. And though I'm confident the Lord has prepared a way...the BEST way...for His name and glory, the possibility of squashed dreams is never an experience to look forward to.

Even as I weigh my thoughts in these lines, I pretty much know which way I'll go. But man, it makes me scared. I'm totally trusting here and if it is not God's leading me but only my ambition or stubbornness, then Father save me from myself and send me home or elsewhere! Oh why do I have this great dream?!