A paradigm shift on being single

"As single women, we need to stop treating men as if they are our husbands. We are created with a nature that longs to serve and please a man, but when we do this, we take away his desire for a wife...Also, if women are giving men companionship outside of marriage, he will never hunger for female companionship inside marriage. Women have the ability to create a void in a man's life so he will become self-motivated to fill it with the presence of a wife."
from the book: Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen
www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com *much of the ideas below where instilled in my heart through her writing ministry*

These words uncover a whole other element to why churches seem to be filled with godly single men and women having deep desires to marry and yet not making any steps toward that calling. Too much fellowship may be the case. In a very real way, we rob the future spouses of our single brothers and sisters by fulfilling in small ways his/her need for a companion. We women are so ready to jump up and serve a prospective mate, bake him cookies, pump up his ego by paying him special attention, or respect him by hanging on his every word. Men rob women of our loneliness (the door by which we will find our contentment in Christ alone) by inviting us to be emotionally vulnerable, affirming us in more than brotherly ways, and by spending one-on-one time (even if merely for fun) without the express intent of moving towards marriage.

It used to not be like this. In our grandparents' day, single men and women didn't have such easy access to spending time with each other or talking on the phone/texting/facebooking for hours on end and in such convenience. Men had to step up and ask young women out, thereby making it known to everyone his interest in getting to know one girl better. And she was better protected emotionally by the confines of time (she had to be returned to her dorm or home at a specific time) and knowing (by the nature of him asking her out) that he valued her more than as "just a friend". What happens now is that single men and women are over-available to each other in hang-out time and emotions and this lessens the need for defining relationships and creates an atmosphere where each are receiving just enough of their "needs" (for man and woman were indeed created for each other) so that they do not hunger as much for marriage, and yet are using up emotions and experiences meant to be shared with a life partner.

Both the sexes need to pause and taking an accurate assessment of his/her relationships. Are we invoking feelings in each other without the expressed intent of moving towards marriage? Do we treat one another as brothers and sisters and as though the other person's spouse (or ours!) were present in our conversations? In what relationships are we intimate where there is no commitment? How is this crippling him/her from having eyes fixed upon the Lord's work and preparing to build a godly family?

This way of looking at cross-gender relationships comes at great cost to the feelings of pride and value we get from our flirtations and premature emotional connections, and it requires a much larger God than we often find ourselves believing in. Do we really believe that He is a Master Weaver, fully able to direct man's steps (Jer. 10:23), or that He is a Good God who longs for His children to trust in Him fully that He might pour out His blessings on them (Mt. 7:7-11)?

"My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!" Psalm 108:1

"Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth!
Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you.
With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.
I will give glory to your name forever, for your love for me is very great." Psalm 86:11-13a

re-learning to trust and wait

Joyful are those who obey His laws
and search for Him with all their hearts.
They do not compromise with evil and they walk only in His paths.
You have charged us to keep Your commandments carefully.
Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees!
Then I will not be ashamed
when I compare my life with your commands.
As I learn your righteous regulations,
I will thank you by living as I should!
I will obey your decrees, please don't give up on me!
How can a young person stay pure?
By obeying your Word. I have tried hard to find you -
don't let me wander from your commands.
Psalm 119:2-10

Hidden in Him

I've been steeping these past few weeks in this whole idea of doing things for God's glory...particularly for me, performing for His glory, not my own. What a bizarre job that you go and bust your tail (like any other hard working employee) and then at the end of your work you are applauded with cheers and standing ovations. And beyond that...people then wait outside the door for your exit to tell you thank you and what a great job you did...WHAT?! This is insanity and the perfect explanation for why as performers we can get so in our heads about our work and be constantly judging ourselves (in both a positive and negative light) based on our perception of the audience's enjoyment. It may seem like a dream to many, but for a believer in the performing arts, the battle to keep a quiet heart focused on His purposes is that much more intense.

I read a devotional writing on this very issue last week and was encouraged to remember that performing for His glory is not about stamping the name of Jesus on whatever we do, but that when we do something with the focus of our hearts being pure before Him and aiming to please Him above all, then it will be manifest through us and He will get the glory. And likewise, that it is not only before humans we perform, but that there is a whole realm of spiritual beings looking on and when God is glorified in our hearts and lives, they applaud His glory as well! What a different perspective that brings to this art!

slightly humorous and sobering anecdote:
Last weekend before our Thurs. night performance, I was spending time praying about all this and asking the Lord to make my heart pure in performing for Him and take out my vain conceit. First number... I go out on stage and feel really connected to my work and in-the-moment. I start wondering who is out in the audience seeing this great work I am doing...oh what hubrous! the exact antithesis of the heart I'd been praying for! End of the number... my character gets frustrated and hrumphs offstage...the supernatural happened that night and God's judgement landed on me. While hrumphing, I hit myself in the eye with my hand and shattered my hard contact in my eye!! I walked offstage and couldn't see a thing and my eye was killing me! I had a rather brisk costume change to undergo before my next scene but my dressing room mates helped remove the shrapnels and squirt some saline in my reddening eye. Immediately upon happening, I knew in my heart I had been performing for MY glory and He was answering my prayer of teaching me to do the opposite. The rest of the show I was utterly dependent on Him to keep me from pirouetting into the orchestra pit or other characters and you better believe that entire show was a marathon prayer asking for grace and His power. And what a magnificent time I had carrying Him all over that stage with me! And in addition, His name was praised all over the place backstage that weekend as castmates asked me how I was doing and whether I could see!!

Fast forward a week...
New contact in, a few days of rest in my body and we're back in the game. First number of the show...again, I felt super connected and a great energy, this time, however, I felt that healthy fear of the Lord and wondered instead of who was out in the audience seeing ME, but who was out there that the Lord wanted to touch through seeing me do great work. The whole show I felt in my heart that He was touching my performance and enabling me to go even further and I was singing His praises the whole show for the abilities He's given me and how He upholds me.
I can remember when I was doing West Side how incredibly in-tune with the Lord I felt during those shows, like the wings were an entrance to the place where I offered myself to Him and the whole show was a beautiful melody of depending on His provision and singing His love song. It is amazing though how we lose over time these sacred learnings. I feel I'm constantly re-learning His grace, trusting in Him alone, and looking to the interest of others above myself. Keep me in this cycle, Lord...your conviction of sin is my greatest joy.

It's not been what I've expected...but I guess it rarely is. Heartaches and begging God to show Himself have been at every turn this summer accompanied by frustration that His ways are not my ways. Or sometimes they are, but my timing's off of His. O Lord! Heal your children. Father, open her eyes to Your gospel! Please reveal yourself and grant hope to these that have lost their way. This is who You are...this is Your character...do Your work, O God! I would have despaired that He hears my voice except that I hear His. My greatest blessing these days is conviction of sin...yes, Lord, I hear You loud and clear there...thank You, don't ever stop, 'cause that's how I know we're connected. I dare not go up from here if Your Presence is not with me. And if You are there, then all I can do in these heartbreaks is trust that You are who You say You are: You are good - You care far more for Your children than I...You are sovereign - You have the power to change hearts and circumstances...Thus: You're timing is not mine. You are still at work and You are in the business of revealing next steps not life plans. And as long as Your Presence is with me...the next step is all I desire.