A paradigm shift on being single

"As single women, we need to stop treating men as if they are our husbands. We are created with a nature that longs to serve and please a man, but when we do this, we take away his desire for a wife...Also, if women are giving men companionship outside of marriage, he will never hunger for female companionship inside marriage. Women have the ability to create a void in a man's life so he will become self-motivated to fill it with the presence of a wife."
from the book: Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen
www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com *much of the ideas below where instilled in my heart through her writing ministry*

These words uncover a whole other element to why churches seem to be filled with godly single men and women having deep desires to marry and yet not making any steps toward that calling. Too much fellowship may be the case. In a very real way, we rob the future spouses of our single brothers and sisters by fulfilling in small ways his/her need for a companion. We women are so ready to jump up and serve a prospective mate, bake him cookies, pump up his ego by paying him special attention, or respect him by hanging on his every word. Men rob women of our loneliness (the door by which we will find our contentment in Christ alone) by inviting us to be emotionally vulnerable, affirming us in more than brotherly ways, and by spending one-on-one time (even if merely for fun) without the express intent of moving towards marriage.

It used to not be like this. In our grandparents' day, single men and women didn't have such easy access to spending time with each other or talking on the phone/texting/facebooking for hours on end and in such convenience. Men had to step up and ask young women out, thereby making it known to everyone his interest in getting to know one girl better. And she was better protected emotionally by the confines of time (she had to be returned to her dorm or home at a specific time) and knowing (by the nature of him asking her out) that he valued her more than as "just a friend". What happens now is that single men and women are over-available to each other in hang-out time and emotions and this lessens the need for defining relationships and creates an atmosphere where each are receiving just enough of their "needs" (for man and woman were indeed created for each other) so that they do not hunger as much for marriage, and yet are using up emotions and experiences meant to be shared with a life partner.

Both the sexes need to pause and taking an accurate assessment of his/her relationships. Are we invoking feelings in each other without the expressed intent of moving towards marriage? Do we treat one another as brothers and sisters and as though the other person's spouse (or ours!) were present in our conversations? In what relationships are we intimate where there is no commitment? How is this crippling him/her from having eyes fixed upon the Lord's work and preparing to build a godly family?

This way of looking at cross-gender relationships comes at great cost to the feelings of pride and value we get from our flirtations and premature emotional connections, and it requires a much larger God than we often find ourselves believing in. Do we really believe that He is a Master Weaver, fully able to direct man's steps (Jer. 10:23), or that He is a Good God who longs for His children to trust in Him fully that He might pour out His blessings on them (Mt. 7:7-11)?

"My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!" Psalm 108:1

"Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth!
Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you.
With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.
I will give glory to your name forever, for your love for me is very great." Psalm 86:11-13a