Hidden in Him

I've been steeping these past few weeks in this whole idea of doing things for God's glory...particularly for me, performing for His glory, not my own. What a bizarre job that you go and bust your tail (like any other hard working employee) and then at the end of your work you are applauded with cheers and standing ovations. And beyond that...people then wait outside the door for your exit to tell you thank you and what a great job you did...WHAT?! This is insanity and the perfect explanation for why as performers we can get so in our heads about our work and be constantly judging ourselves (in both a positive and negative light) based on our perception of the audience's enjoyment. It may seem like a dream to many, but for a believer in the performing arts, the battle to keep a quiet heart focused on His purposes is that much more intense.

I read a devotional writing on this very issue last week and was encouraged to remember that performing for His glory is not about stamping the name of Jesus on whatever we do, but that when we do something with the focus of our hearts being pure before Him and aiming to please Him above all, then it will be manifest through us and He will get the glory. And likewise, that it is not only before humans we perform, but that there is a whole realm of spiritual beings looking on and when God is glorified in our hearts and lives, they applaud His glory as well! What a different perspective that brings to this art!

slightly humorous and sobering anecdote:
Last weekend before our Thurs. night performance, I was spending time praying about all this and asking the Lord to make my heart pure in performing for Him and take out my vain conceit. First number... I go out on stage and feel really connected to my work and in-the-moment. I start wondering who is out in the audience seeing this great work I am doing...oh what hubrous! the exact antithesis of the heart I'd been praying for! End of the number... my character gets frustrated and hrumphs offstage...the supernatural happened that night and God's judgement landed on me. While hrumphing, I hit myself in the eye with my hand and shattered my hard contact in my eye!! I walked offstage and couldn't see a thing and my eye was killing me! I had a rather brisk costume change to undergo before my next scene but my dressing room mates helped remove the shrapnels and squirt some saline in my reddening eye. Immediately upon happening, I knew in my heart I had been performing for MY glory and He was answering my prayer of teaching me to do the opposite. The rest of the show I was utterly dependent on Him to keep me from pirouetting into the orchestra pit or other characters and you better believe that entire show was a marathon prayer asking for grace and His power. And what a magnificent time I had carrying Him all over that stage with me! And in addition, His name was praised all over the place backstage that weekend as castmates asked me how I was doing and whether I could see!!

Fast forward a week...
New contact in, a few days of rest in my body and we're back in the game. First number of the show...again, I felt super connected and a great energy, this time, however, I felt that healthy fear of the Lord and wondered instead of who was out in the audience seeing ME, but who was out there that the Lord wanted to touch through seeing me do great work. The whole show I felt in my heart that He was touching my performance and enabling me to go even further and I was singing His praises the whole show for the abilities He's given me and how He upholds me.
I can remember when I was doing West Side how incredibly in-tune with the Lord I felt during those shows, like the wings were an entrance to the place where I offered myself to Him and the whole show was a beautiful melody of depending on His provision and singing His love song. It is amazing though how we lose over time these sacred learnings. I feel I'm constantly re-learning His grace, trusting in Him alone, and looking to the interest of others above myself. Keep me in this cycle, Lord...your conviction of sin is my greatest joy.