at a crux

My parents are extremely supportive of my theatre career choice and without their emotional and financial support there is no way I could have the freedom to be doing this right now. That said, a couple weeks ago my dad and I were chatting about my future and he made the comment that at some point the fun will have to end. I'm not really sure what he meant when he said it and it didn't bother me because I too feel the "fun" of this lifestyle wearing thin, but now I stand at a real crossroads and I have no idea what direction the Lord is wanting to take me in.

I could go home. I have great friends there, a thriving body of believers, plenty of contacts who would hire me up in a second, and there is great theatre produced there. The part of me that wants to be found by a wonderful guy and have a stable, familiar life full of love and sunshine beckons me to Birmingham.

But I have this option in front of me. 6 months commitment to the city that holds my dreams. I have just returned from a quick trip there on which I was reminded of both the very frustrating things of living there, but also the parts that make my soul soar. I'd be risking all my finances, I would invariably feel lonely, and sometimes I fear that too long a stint there would callous my heart to seeking to serve others. And of course there is always that looming fear that I just might not be good enough for my dream. And though I'm confident the Lord has prepared a way...the BEST way...for His name and glory, the possibility of squashed dreams is never an experience to look forward to.

Even as I weigh my thoughts in these lines, I pretty much know which way I'll go. But man, it makes me scared. I'm totally trusting here and if it is not God's leading me but only my ambition or stubbornness, then Father save me from myself and send me home or elsewhere! Oh why do I have this great dream?!

a Mango-shaped space

Just returned home(?) from the island of enchantment with a stop-over in the sunshine peninsula. Reflecting on the time spent in my second home city, my thoughts are jumbled with longing for what were the best days of my life so far and pure awe at how I ever survived them. Long days filled with high responsibility, constant stimulation, and a myriad of faces to spend time with interrupted gratefully yet all too quickly by semester endings and occasional hurricane fiestas. Even with no responsibilities and knowing far fewer faces than ever before, I am exhausted by the past few days' activities of reconnecting with old friends and recounting to each other the recent wins and losses. While frolicking in the spectacular new library with one such friend, I saw a book jacket that was featured among others as great new books to read. I stole its title to give nomenclature to this post and stole it also for my heart to give label to a feeling I often experience.

Sauntering down Olive to a tune in my head, I'm met by two of my favorites, one on handlebars the other pedaling hard rushing to class from...Mango. Worn from the day but not yet ready to wake up to the next, I plop on a red plaid couch in a room that contains elation in ...Mango. Checking email on the internet-serviced lawn, Tucker, Tammy and I are interrupted by a slew of rolls snowballed back and forth that inevitably leads to a knock-down, kick and slap gorilla fight at...Mango. Fresh fish, famous mashed potatoes, church leftovers, early morning pancakes, and decadent Ghirardelli brownies enjoyed within...Mango. Hammocks sway while Micho Acana melts under a dinosaur tree with...Mango. Always best in costume, fighting for best in lip-sync, worshipped by underclass girls, leading ministries and unintentionally good intramurals, kayaking out to engagements, chugging milk gallons, and forming bike gangs, the campus looked curiously to...Mango.

These things form within me a space where I retreat to when my journey of constant transition is overwhelming. I want to go back, but I have this secure hope that the best is still coming. I'm convinced the New Earth will be Mango-shaped.

Jesus +

The Puerto Rico team is walking through Colossians right now and at last week's team time the word that was spoken was timely and necessary for the training of my heart. Ronnie Garcia spoke to us about how the Colossian church was being infiltrated with "Jesus +" theology....the gospel and a little ceremonialism. Or the gospel + worship of angels. Or + asceticism, etc. Ronnie made the point that it is not possible to sustain lifelong fervor for Christ if we operate in Jesus + mode. Christ is to be pre-immenent in all things or we end up performing for Him and burning out.

I've located some of the plus-es in my heart that I add to the Gospel and I know that naming them is the first and perhaps greatest step. My natural bent though is now that I've located a problem, to put some restrictions on myself in this area or practice resisting my indulgences. This though is nothing more than the asceticism and rules that dominates living in a Jesus + frame of mind and is exactly what Paul wrote the Colossians to rid themselves of!

Just give me Jesus!!! I desperately want Christ to be so all-consuming in my thoughts in these areas (and all my life!) that rules and regulations fall away and I'm led in step with His spirit. Come quickly, Lord, and bring your kingdom to my heart to reign supremely through and through.

Boot Camp

One of the things that I'm loving about my time here in PR is that after being away since December, I'm back in a spiritual atmosphere where the main drive of those I'm around is pouring their lives out for the name of Christ and I am trying to soak this in and remind myself again of why I'm here...where we're all going...what in life is important...

As a means to this soul and head reconnection, I've become a huge fan in the past two weeks of downloading John Piper's sermons at desiringgod.org. I am still blown away that they post his stuff for free!! He has really been reminding me that life is war. It is not about making my life comfortable or exciting and I have to ask myself if what I'm giving myself to is part of the battle or the luxury of independence.

One of the women for whom I hold the highest regard and hope to emulate has been accustomed to waking up at 4:30 every day, ever since her kids were young (30+ years) for the purpose of joining in the battle in prayer. On account of little sleep, this dear warrior often falls asleep at functions as evening approaches, but such tremendous fruit has been wrought from her life and ministry and when human eyes are fully unveiled to the enduring combat, what scores of souls will be dancing at her passage into glory!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggles is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:10-12

ya tengo que salir?

A week from tomorrow I'll be crossing a bit of sea to reach my post for the next couple of months. Man, I hope I'm learning all the lessons that I'm supposed to be during this time of life. I can see how on the other end I'll be more adaptable and flexible and trusting of His plan and I hope a whole heaping lot less selfish. Leaving for Puerto Rico has majorly snuck up on me, but I'm ready for the next thing. The past two months at home have been a huge blessing, but it's time to be stretched again and learn life as a new-rican. I miss my friends and wish I could carry them around to my new adventures, but then I guess I wouldn't be learning the forestated lessons if I had their constant support. Okay. Here we go. A couple weeks of upheaval and resettlement and then I'll be so grateful to be down there serving and supporting the missionary families I'll be with.

New Headshots...hehe

This is really quite ridiculous! I'm in the midst of choosing a new headshot photo and am combing through photos to choose two or three that will market me to prospective employers. Staring at my face is both enlightening and sometimes scary. Enlightening because I realize now what other people see when I make certain faces (and it usually isn't what I imagined the expression to look like) and scary because, well...see below.



So, apparently I have this one eye (my right to be exact) that closes halfway a lot (I believe to the left is my typical "hmm...very interesting" face when I'm listening) The photographer kept telling me to give more energy to that eye...yeah, what follows is how far I got with that...






you can see I'm trying very hard... :)













Thankfully with close to 200 shots, there are enough that caught me with both eyes open. To redeem the former photos, here are a few actual possibilities...

"Image-building is any way we intentionally make ourselves seem different - and usually more - than we really are...the attempt to make impressions that are bigger than we are...We don't want to confuse image-building with an honest attempt to look or do our best, but...a fine line separates the two. Sometimes only the height of sensitivity to the Holy Spirit can signal when we've crossed the line." Beth Moore - Daniel Bible Study

Home is such a comfortable and refreshing place, and yet I find that I am more self-concious here than anyplace else. The familiar faces that helped raise me have turned into my peers and the desire to impress can be maddening. I am who I am, who I've turned out to be, for better and worse, and my journey is not over yet. Accept it, AJ, and be an open book about the grace He's shown you and the love you've received...the rest of the story is rather inconsequential.

the second in the series

"Oh, children," said the Lion, "I feel my strength coming back to me. Oh, children, catch me if you can!" ...It was such a romp as no one has ever had except in Narnia...And the funny thing was that when all three finally lay together panting in the sun the girls no longer felt in the least tired or hungry or thirsty.

It is time to depart from Wichita, Kansas.

Oh, how wonderful it has been and I am full of thanks for my new church family here that has enveloped me and made me a guest of honor. I know my spirit would not have made it through the tests and battles it has undergone without their constant encouragement. I'm sad to leave them but I greatly anticipate the refreshment of this upcoming week; to romp with my very best friends in New York City and soak up precious time with my other half (Sister). How I wish and long for the day when Aslan and I will play chase throughout the heavens and my soul find complete rest and glorification in Him. God is so wonderful to provide until then, such wonderful friendships through which we can experience His roar of love as a respite for our tired and thirsty war wounds.

choreography is a beast!

"He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead, or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." Romans 4:19-21

Oh, yeah...a precious promise just for me!

Twenty-something

So I guess I had fair warning. Since junior high (at least) I've been told that the most awkward stage of life was yet to come. Okay, so maybe the one I was in was MOST awkward, but there was another to come...that of my twenties. Thrilling...but trepidatious. Navigating the Christian single scene was not a place I ever hoped to be caught dead in.

I remember my junior high Bible study leader being 24 or 26 and gasp! she wasn't married and didn't even have a boyfriend!! Oh, how we secretly pitied her but smiled and agreed that Prince Someone would come. He eventually did and she got her happy ever after but I believe that many of my friends took to college that desperate need to find some guy who could pose as perfect and wed shortly after graduation so as not to embark upon this frightening stage alone.

None of us thought it would be me, but c'est la vie, I am the one that attends their weddings alone. And despite what my younger self (and I'm sure my high school dancers) imagine of me, I couldn't be gladder of where I am.

Oh, I may hope for a date when I meet someone great and occasionally try out my name in front of some guy's last, but my Jesus bubble is such a blessing and has kept me from much heartache.

Yeah..."Jesus bubble"...that's what my Wichita cast members cited as the reason I didn't go out on dates. I told them that I had been praying since some time in college that God would keep me from the pursuance of any guy until it was the right one and He has amazingly come through on that one.

Anyways, I find myself right now spending great time with three amazing guy friends of all different temperaments and I think half of the problem of being in your early twenties is that your not yet of the wisdom (or desperation) to know that with ANY believer, marriage is about your relationship with God and simply making a commitment to love whomever the Lord has brought you together with from that day forward. But that is where I hope to find myself as I walk further in this season of life. Make me know, Lord, that it is YOU who makes a marriage. Get me out of my head and personality analizations enough for Your supernatural direction in this area to reign over my reasoning. My life is Yours, Lord, put me with whomever You desire me to partner with in building the kingdom.

At what point do I enter my dream?

On matinee days, the theatre has this goofy tradition that after the show we pass out cookies in our costumes to all the older people as they board their busses to leave. I always grumble when I'm on cookie duty but it really is rewarding because they are so lovely and effusive with their compliments and it reminds me why I do this. I was filling in today as cookie-passer-outer for a castmate and this man came to me and gave me perhaps the most touching compliment I've ever received, though its effect didn't hit me until hours later when I was in my bedroom.

He said that when I dance on stage, I remind him of Vera Ellen.

At the time I smiled and we talked of some of the movies she was in (White Christmas, On the Town...) and our favorite numbers she did and I told him how she was actually my favorite dancer of all time. But of course all the while in my mind I was thinking of the reality of how I am NOTHING like the incredible talent she was and how this older gentleman probably couldn't see real well or whatever. Later though, God reminded me that whether or not I have the technical skills of Vera, I was able to strike the same chord within this man that is struck when he sees her dance. I dream so much of becoming a really proficient dancer and being able to inspire and move people like she moves me and I always think that is a dream to be realized way in the future. Yet here I am, pouring my heart and the measure of talent I have right now into the dances I do each night and without even realizing it...fulfilling that dream.

Oh, God, I want to do this forever and to be a part of art that truly inspires! Use me to affect audience members on a soul level whether I attain what my glory-seeking heart determines is "proficient" or not.

Making best friends used to be easier

I am working with a great cast in Wichita and the seven of us that are from out of town have gotten along famously this past week and all feel so lucky that we genuinely like one another. It is, however, becoming very apparent to me just how different I am from them. We operate from such different views of the same world and now that we've moved past the opening stages of friendship, it is hard for me to not feel sidelined with them because I don't have the same drinking stories. Oh, God, I've got to have more of you!!! On my own with them I just feel boring and inward. Use me to show them how great Your love for them is and fit me with the gospel of truth so that praises of You just spill out when I speak. May I either be persecuted because of Your name or the first to welcome these into the kinship of Jehovah. But keep me above all else from misrepresenting Your love for them or being over-focused on myself.

And...this is home.

Day 1 at the Crown Uptown Dinner Theatre...intimidating and a tad bit frightening. Full of wondering whether I can really do this and if they'll be disappointed that I'm not a prima ballerina. Unsure of what my cast members/housemates will be like. Checking into a ghetto motel and scoping out the town I'll be in for 10 weeks where there isn't a whole lot going on...

Day 2...I'm so glad I'm here! This is just exactly what I want to be doing in life right now and I feel so blessed to have a job doing what I really want to do! I am officially the dance captain for the show and understudying the lead (which is GREAT!) and regardless, every night I'll be dancing my tail off in the ensemble and have a nice ballet duet I'm in. This is such fun! I really like my cast. I think it will be relatively drama-free (which is rare in theatre crowds) and I've started a few relationships that I think will really build into something wonderful. I just can't wait to live life with them and let God spill out! We are staying in...dududuh...Motel 6, baby, for two weeks until the actors from the current show move out of the house we'll be living in. It will be soooooo (and I do mean soooooo) great to move into the house, but when I start to freak about the place we're in now, I just remember that my room in Spain was about 1/3 this size and I shared a bathroom with a very flatulent older gentleman, so I think that I'll be okay here.

I'm gonna be ok!...l-a-h-o-m-a, OKLAHOMA!

feeling a little blue

and I don't know why.
The Man in the Chair says I should put on an old show record. My heart says I should open the Word.
Instead I blog.

I love New York. Today was the second grossest, snow-storming day since I moved here and all I can think is how sad I am to leave so soon. On Sunday I fly to Wichita, Kansas to star in a production of the musical Oklahoma! And by "star" I mean that I will be seen onstage far more often then that girl with all the lines and solos. I am A REAL LIVE CHORUS GIRL!

So many hopes. Am I special? I spend my time vacillating between heightened knowledge of my smallness in comparison to my NY colleagues and heightened dreams of performing along the great white street of the restaurant at which I now waitress.

"I'm sixteen and every day something happens to me. I'm special. I'm special. Please God, don't let me be normal."
These words came from the sweet ingenue in the off-broadway show "The Fantasticks" that I saw last night and though I already knew them by heart before the play began, they struck a new chord with where I am right now. Such an ingenue, waiting to find my spot in the world, hoping desperately that it will love and cheer me on. Please God, don't find me normal.

Wow. I think I'm done.

When I set out over Christmas break to explore the world of blogging, I expected some different things than what has turned out to be true of this increasinly popular pasttime. I envisioned this space to be particularly useful to and read by my family so that they might check up on my every day life, however, I do not think my sister has ever looked at the page and I haven't given my parents or other family members the address so I know they aren't amongst the 16 viewers I've had in the past 2 1/2 months. I am an avid journaler and I've found that keeping a blog has actually lessened the quality and frequency of my personal journaling, which is highly more beneficial and important to me. Thirdly, I've been so busy of late with West Side Story and life that I haven't even wanted the clutter of the thought of needing to blog in my mind.

So you see I'm sure where this is leading...a grand goodbye for now. I'm not getting rid of the site altogether, because who knows what days of delightful boredom the summer might bring, but I desire a clean break for now. It's not a break up, just a break...

a few random thoughts

Got the official word today: they're wigging me! I am actually extremely thrilled that I will not be dying my hair. The costume director said that she would never do that to me and we are getting a very expensive wig that will be perfect!

I'm going to Puerto Rico for Spring Break! Me and 9 of the greatest girlfriends ever will be spending 8 days vacationing and enjoying life together in San Juan!

In general I am a fan of facebook and myspace - even to the point of having an account on both (I primarily use facebook now but imagine I'll be transitioning into myspace after graduation). They are not perfect communication mediums, but I appreciate that it randomly brings people's faces into view who I haven't thought of in a while and I can check out what they're up to and without a tedious long message let them know I was thinking about them. However, I've just squandered an hour perusing pictures and reading wall posts of some high school friends...ridiculous in light of all the work I have to do.

I think it is really a shame that for the last couple decades especially, it has been drilled into Christian young girls' heads that they need to be independent in Christ before ever thinking about being with a guy and that something is wrong with them if they long for a relationship because Christ should be all that they need. While there is some good truth buried in these ideas and my subscribing to these ideas for my own life is part of what kept me from many broken relationships, I have recently come to embrace the fact that we were created for companionship. Adam was lonely for a woman even while experiencing perfect oneness with God and God said that it was not good. Adam's longing for a mate was not what God found unsatisfactory, but that a deep desire of the being He formed and loved was unfulfilled. I long for a companion, to follow him into wild adventures, unravel the mysteries of life one day at a time together, and have a permanent dance partner. However, the difference between me and Adam is that it is still good for me to be alone. One day it will no longer be the best plan and God will choose to fulfill my desire either by leading a man to pursue me or by taking me home to be in His presence - the second would be better by far!

after V-day blues

I, like many of my other single friends, go through a mini-depression this time every year. However, unlike others, my low is February 15th, not the 14th. You see, I LOVE Valentine's Day! Everyone running around with chocolate and roses and balloons spilling out everywhere...hugs abounding and appreciations for all loved ones flowing forth from tongues sans any hesitation...why can't every day be like that?! This is the primary reason for my sadness the day after. Where did all the love go? I was absolutely giddy Tuesday all day and especially in the night after I gave a special Valentine. I gave the valentine because it was for our Sadie Hawkins Dance this Saturday; it was so much fun to surprise a guy and ask him. I barely know him...my asking him was more than random and bordering on impulsive...but we are going to have an amazing time Saturday night, I know! I always have a great time at dances. So here's a blog shoutout to my friend and date, Kyle Mains!

p.s. I've decided to add the comment feature because I commented the other day on one of my friend's blog and really felt like my comment added something to the post and was appreciated by him. So please, say hi and comment on anything you like!

little update

It's been a while since I've blogged. I keep spotting life happenings that would be great blogs, but I just haven't had the aptitude to put them down on the computer. Here are some highlights from the past week.

**West Side Story is going very well...I've been singing like crazy, but we are starting to sound really good.

**Sailfish Cup was this weekend and Southside (my team) tore it up. We won overall and Sportsmanship. For my part, I played ultimate frisbeen, soccer, and volleyball. I love SC because it is just one crazy intense weekend of playing.

**I miss my baby Annabelle so badly right now. Sister sent some pictures of them in the snow...I would do anything to fly up there for a weekend and play with them.

**Spring Break plans keep coming together and falling apart. Initially it was just a girls' trip to Puerto Rico, but then New York came into the picture 'cause Candice got accepted to Colombia and has to be there one day for orientation. We found these crazy deals on JetBlue to go from here to NYC to San Juan and back for cheap!, but we didn't act soon enough and the flight back sold out. Then we got on a cruise kick because it would be all paid for and we wouldn't have to worry about hotel or anything. Now...I have no idea, we all really want a fun adventure and I want to go to PR more than anything...we'll see.

Yeah Intramural Champs!

WE WON! It was such a great ultimate frisbee game last night, though it was very late...it didn't start until after 11:00 pm. But we won! Yay! I'm not really even sure what the name of our team is but it is such a great group of friends and we worked well together. I even made a touchdown...woohoo.

I stayed on the detox for yesterday and ended up feeling a ton better in the afternoon and though I was weak during the game some, I was able to play the whole time and I played hard too. I met with the school nurse though to talk about this diet and what was happening in my body and she advised that I stop it. She said that she doesn't think this is the healthiest detox diet out there but that it is probably fine for normal, healthy people to do. I guess the whole problem has been because of my hypoglycemia my insulin production is all over the board because I'm only putting this sugar into my body without any protein. I haven't broken it yet, though. I don't know what to do because I feel so much better today and I would like to see this through till the end if possible, but there is a danger of my hitting another low and she said it would probably be worse than yesterday's. A lot to think and pray through..the Lord will show me

I'm thinking about breaking it...

I've felt awful today. I was so shaky this morning and weak that I ended up staying in bed until 9:30 and I went to bed at 10:30 last night! I'm just not sure how smart this is since it is way interfering with my life now. I missed two classes today too and have felt very disjointed and unable to do my best work. I have this ultimate frisbee CHAMPIONSHIP game tonight and I really want to play, but I'm not sure I have enough energy, although I am feeling a lot better now than most of today. I would really like to stick it out at least through tomorrow since they say that day 3 & 4 are the worst. I also haven't spent barely any time with the Lord in the past two days so basically I've been trying to do this on my own which could account for my wanting to quit. I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to go ask the Lord for some serious direction...we'll see how He leads and whether I am obedient whichever way that leading is.