Boot Camp

One of the things that I'm loving about my time here in PR is that after being away since December, I'm back in a spiritual atmosphere where the main drive of those I'm around is pouring their lives out for the name of Christ and I am trying to soak this in and remind myself again of why I'm here...where we're all going...what in life is important...

As a means to this soul and head reconnection, I've become a huge fan in the past two weeks of downloading John Piper's sermons at desiringgod.org. I am still blown away that they post his stuff for free!! He has really been reminding me that life is war. It is not about making my life comfortable or exciting and I have to ask myself if what I'm giving myself to is part of the battle or the luxury of independence.

One of the women for whom I hold the highest regard and hope to emulate has been accustomed to waking up at 4:30 every day, ever since her kids were young (30+ years) for the purpose of joining in the battle in prayer. On account of little sleep, this dear warrior often falls asleep at functions as evening approaches, but such tremendous fruit has been wrought from her life and ministry and when human eyes are fully unveiled to the enduring combat, what scores of souls will be dancing at her passage into glory!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggles is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:10-12

ya tengo que salir?

A week from tomorrow I'll be crossing a bit of sea to reach my post for the next couple of months. Man, I hope I'm learning all the lessons that I'm supposed to be during this time of life. I can see how on the other end I'll be more adaptable and flexible and trusting of His plan and I hope a whole heaping lot less selfish. Leaving for Puerto Rico has majorly snuck up on me, but I'm ready for the next thing. The past two months at home have been a huge blessing, but it's time to be stretched again and learn life as a new-rican. I miss my friends and wish I could carry them around to my new adventures, but then I guess I wouldn't be learning the forestated lessons if I had their constant support. Okay. Here we go. A couple weeks of upheaval and resettlement and then I'll be so grateful to be down there serving and supporting the missionary families I'll be with.

New Headshots...hehe

This is really quite ridiculous! I'm in the midst of choosing a new headshot photo and am combing through photos to choose two or three that will market me to prospective employers. Staring at my face is both enlightening and sometimes scary. Enlightening because I realize now what other people see when I make certain faces (and it usually isn't what I imagined the expression to look like) and scary because, well...see below.



So, apparently I have this one eye (my right to be exact) that closes halfway a lot (I believe to the left is my typical "hmm...very interesting" face when I'm listening) The photographer kept telling me to give more energy to that eye...yeah, what follows is how far I got with that...






you can see I'm trying very hard... :)













Thankfully with close to 200 shots, there are enough that caught me with both eyes open. To redeem the former photos, here are a few actual possibilities...

"Image-building is any way we intentionally make ourselves seem different - and usually more - than we really are...the attempt to make impressions that are bigger than we are...We don't want to confuse image-building with an honest attempt to look or do our best, but...a fine line separates the two. Sometimes only the height of sensitivity to the Holy Spirit can signal when we've crossed the line." Beth Moore - Daniel Bible Study

Home is such a comfortable and refreshing place, and yet I find that I am more self-concious here than anyplace else. The familiar faces that helped raise me have turned into my peers and the desire to impress can be maddening. I am who I am, who I've turned out to be, for better and worse, and my journey is not over yet. Accept it, AJ, and be an open book about the grace He's shown you and the love you've received...the rest of the story is rather inconsequential.

the second in the series

"Oh, children," said the Lion, "I feel my strength coming back to me. Oh, children, catch me if you can!" ...It was such a romp as no one has ever had except in Narnia...And the funny thing was that when all three finally lay together panting in the sun the girls no longer felt in the least tired or hungry or thirsty.

It is time to depart from Wichita, Kansas.

Oh, how wonderful it has been and I am full of thanks for my new church family here that has enveloped me and made me a guest of honor. I know my spirit would not have made it through the tests and battles it has undergone without their constant encouragement. I'm sad to leave them but I greatly anticipate the refreshment of this upcoming week; to romp with my very best friends in New York City and soak up precious time with my other half (Sister). How I wish and long for the day when Aslan and I will play chase throughout the heavens and my soul find complete rest and glorification in Him. God is so wonderful to provide until then, such wonderful friendships through which we can experience His roar of love as a respite for our tired and thirsty war wounds.

choreography is a beast!

"He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead, or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." Romans 4:19-21

Oh, yeah...a precious promise just for me!

Twenty-something

So I guess I had fair warning. Since junior high (at least) I've been told that the most awkward stage of life was yet to come. Okay, so maybe the one I was in was MOST awkward, but there was another to come...that of my twenties. Thrilling...but trepidatious. Navigating the Christian single scene was not a place I ever hoped to be caught dead in.

I remember my junior high Bible study leader being 24 or 26 and gasp! she wasn't married and didn't even have a boyfriend!! Oh, how we secretly pitied her but smiled and agreed that Prince Someone would come. He eventually did and she got her happy ever after but I believe that many of my friends took to college that desperate need to find some guy who could pose as perfect and wed shortly after graduation so as not to embark upon this frightening stage alone.

None of us thought it would be me, but c'est la vie, I am the one that attends their weddings alone. And despite what my younger self (and I'm sure my high school dancers) imagine of me, I couldn't be gladder of where I am.

Oh, I may hope for a date when I meet someone great and occasionally try out my name in front of some guy's last, but my Jesus bubble is such a blessing and has kept me from much heartache.

Yeah..."Jesus bubble"...that's what my Wichita cast members cited as the reason I didn't go out on dates. I told them that I had been praying since some time in college that God would keep me from the pursuance of any guy until it was the right one and He has amazingly come through on that one.

Anyways, I find myself right now spending great time with three amazing guy friends of all different temperaments and I think half of the problem of being in your early twenties is that your not yet of the wisdom (or desperation) to know that with ANY believer, marriage is about your relationship with God and simply making a commitment to love whomever the Lord has brought you together with from that day forward. But that is where I hope to find myself as I walk further in this season of life. Make me know, Lord, that it is YOU who makes a marriage. Get me out of my head and personality analizations enough for Your supernatural direction in this area to reign over my reasoning. My life is Yours, Lord, put me with whomever You desire me to partner with in building the kingdom.

At what point do I enter my dream?

On matinee days, the theatre has this goofy tradition that after the show we pass out cookies in our costumes to all the older people as they board their busses to leave. I always grumble when I'm on cookie duty but it really is rewarding because they are so lovely and effusive with their compliments and it reminds me why I do this. I was filling in today as cookie-passer-outer for a castmate and this man came to me and gave me perhaps the most touching compliment I've ever received, though its effect didn't hit me until hours later when I was in my bedroom.

He said that when I dance on stage, I remind him of Vera Ellen.

At the time I smiled and we talked of some of the movies she was in (White Christmas, On the Town...) and our favorite numbers she did and I told him how she was actually my favorite dancer of all time. But of course all the while in my mind I was thinking of the reality of how I am NOTHING like the incredible talent she was and how this older gentleman probably couldn't see real well or whatever. Later though, God reminded me that whether or not I have the technical skills of Vera, I was able to strike the same chord within this man that is struck when he sees her dance. I dream so much of becoming a really proficient dancer and being able to inspire and move people like she moves me and I always think that is a dream to be realized way in the future. Yet here I am, pouring my heart and the measure of talent I have right now into the dances I do each night and without even realizing it...fulfilling that dream.

Oh, God, I want to do this forever and to be a part of art that truly inspires! Use me to affect audience members on a soul level whether I attain what my glory-seeking heart determines is "proficient" or not.

Making best friends used to be easier

I am working with a great cast in Wichita and the seven of us that are from out of town have gotten along famously this past week and all feel so lucky that we genuinely like one another. It is, however, becoming very apparent to me just how different I am from them. We operate from such different views of the same world and now that we've moved past the opening stages of friendship, it is hard for me to not feel sidelined with them because I don't have the same drinking stories. Oh, God, I've got to have more of you!!! On my own with them I just feel boring and inward. Use me to show them how great Your love for them is and fit me with the gospel of truth so that praises of You just spill out when I speak. May I either be persecuted because of Your name or the first to welcome these into the kinship of Jehovah. But keep me above all else from misrepresenting Your love for them or being over-focused on myself.

And...this is home.

Day 1 at the Crown Uptown Dinner Theatre...intimidating and a tad bit frightening. Full of wondering whether I can really do this and if they'll be disappointed that I'm not a prima ballerina. Unsure of what my cast members/housemates will be like. Checking into a ghetto motel and scoping out the town I'll be in for 10 weeks where there isn't a whole lot going on...

Day 2...I'm so glad I'm here! This is just exactly what I want to be doing in life right now and I feel so blessed to have a job doing what I really want to do! I am officially the dance captain for the show and understudying the lead (which is GREAT!) and regardless, every night I'll be dancing my tail off in the ensemble and have a nice ballet duet I'm in. This is such fun! I really like my cast. I think it will be relatively drama-free (which is rare in theatre crowds) and I've started a few relationships that I think will really build into something wonderful. I just can't wait to live life with them and let God spill out! We are staying in...dududuh...Motel 6, baby, for two weeks until the actors from the current show move out of the house we'll be living in. It will be soooooo (and I do mean soooooo) great to move into the house, but when I start to freak about the place we're in now, I just remember that my room in Spain was about 1/3 this size and I shared a bathroom with a very flatulent older gentleman, so I think that I'll be okay here.

I'm gonna be ok!...l-a-h-o-m-a, OKLAHOMA!

feeling a little blue

and I don't know why.
The Man in the Chair says I should put on an old show record. My heart says I should open the Word.
Instead I blog.

I love New York. Today was the second grossest, snow-storming day since I moved here and all I can think is how sad I am to leave so soon. On Sunday I fly to Wichita, Kansas to star in a production of the musical Oklahoma! And by "star" I mean that I will be seen onstage far more often then that girl with all the lines and solos. I am A REAL LIVE CHORUS GIRL!

So many hopes. Am I special? I spend my time vacillating between heightened knowledge of my smallness in comparison to my NY colleagues and heightened dreams of performing along the great white street of the restaurant at which I now waitress.

"I'm sixteen and every day something happens to me. I'm special. I'm special. Please God, don't let me be normal."
These words came from the sweet ingenue in the off-broadway show "The Fantasticks" that I saw last night and though I already knew them by heart before the play began, they struck a new chord with where I am right now. Such an ingenue, waiting to find my spot in the world, hoping desperately that it will love and cheer me on. Please God, don't find me normal.

Wow. I think I'm done.

When I set out over Christmas break to explore the world of blogging, I expected some different things than what has turned out to be true of this increasinly popular pasttime. I envisioned this space to be particularly useful to and read by my family so that they might check up on my every day life, however, I do not think my sister has ever looked at the page and I haven't given my parents or other family members the address so I know they aren't amongst the 16 viewers I've had in the past 2 1/2 months. I am an avid journaler and I've found that keeping a blog has actually lessened the quality and frequency of my personal journaling, which is highly more beneficial and important to me. Thirdly, I've been so busy of late with West Side Story and life that I haven't even wanted the clutter of the thought of needing to blog in my mind.

So you see I'm sure where this is leading...a grand goodbye for now. I'm not getting rid of the site altogether, because who knows what days of delightful boredom the summer might bring, but I desire a clean break for now. It's not a break up, just a break...

a few random thoughts

Got the official word today: they're wigging me! I am actually extremely thrilled that I will not be dying my hair. The costume director said that she would never do that to me and we are getting a very expensive wig that will be perfect!

I'm going to Puerto Rico for Spring Break! Me and 9 of the greatest girlfriends ever will be spending 8 days vacationing and enjoying life together in San Juan!

In general I am a fan of facebook and myspace - even to the point of having an account on both (I primarily use facebook now but imagine I'll be transitioning into myspace after graduation). They are not perfect communication mediums, but I appreciate that it randomly brings people's faces into view who I haven't thought of in a while and I can check out what they're up to and without a tedious long message let them know I was thinking about them. However, I've just squandered an hour perusing pictures and reading wall posts of some high school friends...ridiculous in light of all the work I have to do.

I think it is really a shame that for the last couple decades especially, it has been drilled into Christian young girls' heads that they need to be independent in Christ before ever thinking about being with a guy and that something is wrong with them if they long for a relationship because Christ should be all that they need. While there is some good truth buried in these ideas and my subscribing to these ideas for my own life is part of what kept me from many broken relationships, I have recently come to embrace the fact that we were created for companionship. Adam was lonely for a woman even while experiencing perfect oneness with God and God said that it was not good. Adam's longing for a mate was not what God found unsatisfactory, but that a deep desire of the being He formed and loved was unfulfilled. I long for a companion, to follow him into wild adventures, unravel the mysteries of life one day at a time together, and have a permanent dance partner. However, the difference between me and Adam is that it is still good for me to be alone. One day it will no longer be the best plan and God will choose to fulfill my desire either by leading a man to pursue me or by taking me home to be in His presence - the second would be better by far!

after V-day blues

I, like many of my other single friends, go through a mini-depression this time every year. However, unlike others, my low is February 15th, not the 14th. You see, I LOVE Valentine's Day! Everyone running around with chocolate and roses and balloons spilling out everywhere...hugs abounding and appreciations for all loved ones flowing forth from tongues sans any hesitation...why can't every day be like that?! This is the primary reason for my sadness the day after. Where did all the love go? I was absolutely giddy Tuesday all day and especially in the night after I gave a special Valentine. I gave the valentine because it was for our Sadie Hawkins Dance this Saturday; it was so much fun to surprise a guy and ask him. I barely know him...my asking him was more than random and bordering on impulsive...but we are going to have an amazing time Saturday night, I know! I always have a great time at dances. So here's a blog shoutout to my friend and date, Kyle Mains!

p.s. I've decided to add the comment feature because I commented the other day on one of my friend's blog and really felt like my comment added something to the post and was appreciated by him. So please, say hi and comment on anything you like!

little update

It's been a while since I've blogged. I keep spotting life happenings that would be great blogs, but I just haven't had the aptitude to put them down on the computer. Here are some highlights from the past week.

**West Side Story is going very well...I've been singing like crazy, but we are starting to sound really good.

**Sailfish Cup was this weekend and Southside (my team) tore it up. We won overall and Sportsmanship. For my part, I played ultimate frisbeen, soccer, and volleyball. I love SC because it is just one crazy intense weekend of playing.

**I miss my baby Annabelle so badly right now. Sister sent some pictures of them in the snow...I would do anything to fly up there for a weekend and play with them.

**Spring Break plans keep coming together and falling apart. Initially it was just a girls' trip to Puerto Rico, but then New York came into the picture 'cause Candice got accepted to Colombia and has to be there one day for orientation. We found these crazy deals on JetBlue to go from here to NYC to San Juan and back for cheap!, but we didn't act soon enough and the flight back sold out. Then we got on a cruise kick because it would be all paid for and we wouldn't have to worry about hotel or anything. Now...I have no idea, we all really want a fun adventure and I want to go to PR more than anything...we'll see.

Yeah Intramural Champs!

WE WON! It was such a great ultimate frisbee game last night, though it was very late...it didn't start until after 11:00 pm. But we won! Yay! I'm not really even sure what the name of our team is but it is such a great group of friends and we worked well together. I even made a touchdown...woohoo.

I stayed on the detox for yesterday and ended up feeling a ton better in the afternoon and though I was weak during the game some, I was able to play the whole time and I played hard too. I met with the school nurse though to talk about this diet and what was happening in my body and she advised that I stop it. She said that she doesn't think this is the healthiest detox diet out there but that it is probably fine for normal, healthy people to do. I guess the whole problem has been because of my hypoglycemia my insulin production is all over the board because I'm only putting this sugar into my body without any protein. I haven't broken it yet, though. I don't know what to do because I feel so much better today and I would like to see this through till the end if possible, but there is a danger of my hitting another low and she said it would probably be worse than yesterday's. A lot to think and pray through..the Lord will show me

I'm thinking about breaking it...

I've felt awful today. I was so shaky this morning and weak that I ended up staying in bed until 9:30 and I went to bed at 10:30 last night! I'm just not sure how smart this is since it is way interfering with my life now. I missed two classes today too and have felt very disjointed and unable to do my best work. I have this ultimate frisbee CHAMPIONSHIP game tonight and I really want to play, but I'm not sure I have enough energy, although I am feeling a lot better now than most of today. I would really like to stick it out at least through tomorrow since they say that day 3 & 4 are the worst. I also haven't spent barely any time with the Lord in the past two days so basically I've been trying to do this on my own which could account for my wanting to quit. I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to go ask the Lord for some serious direction...we'll see how He leads and whether I am obedient whichever way that leading is.

Day 3

Today is the first day that I've really felt sick. The first day was more about resisting cravings and yesterday I really only had one craving when one of my roomates made some cinnamon toast in the morning. Yesterday afternoon though, I got a slight headache and by 10:30 pm I was absolutely done and fell into my bed with tiredness and a much worse headache. I skipped my morning classes today because I felt so sick. The salt water has become easier and easier each day though. I was surprised yesterday how much easier it was than the first day and then this morning I just chugged it down like nothing...well, almost.

The five of us had "dinner" together last night. I put our drinks in wine glasses and served it on a tray in our living room. It was fun and we all left very encouraged. We talked a lot about the spiritual side of this fast which really wasn't at all our intent going into it, but at least for me it is impossible to fast like this unless I am depending on the Lord and there is a higher reason for me doing it than just cleansing my body. One of my all-time favorite books is A Hunger for God by John Piper. It is a beautiful book on Biblical fasting. I went back over that the other night and have been reminding myself and my fellow adventurers about its truth. Here are a few little snipits:

"From time to time we need to test ourselves to see if we have begun to love His gifts in place of God."
"The aim of fasting is that we come to rely less on food and more on God."
"Will I find spiritual communion with God sweet enough, and hope in His promises deep enough, not just to cope, but to flourish and rejoice in Him? Or will I rationalize away my need to fast and retreat to the medication of food?"

I am so inspired by this book, which uses Foster's Celebration of Disciplines (another amazing book) as a resource and for some great quotes. It has taught me more about this area of my relationship with the Lord and cultivating, through fasting, a longing for Him and for His kingdom.

all psychology enthusiasts, read on

I anticipate that my blogs will take on a new level of unusualness for the next ten days. You see today is Day 1 of a Master Detox adventure that me, Jess, Candice, CLiff and Patrick have embarked on together. Heaven help us! They have been planning on doing this ridiculous, awful lemonade fast for a week now. I stayed away from their propaganda because I wanted no part in it. They had set today as the day to begin so I made them a good dinner last night and somehow over the course of that dinner I went from total disdain of this idea to full participation in it. Here is what the next 10 days entail for me eating-wise:

**Every morning we chug 1 quart of water mixed with 2 tsp. sea salt - after experiencing this morning's chug I can tell you this is by far the most awful thing I have ever done. This will be the hardest part, but also the thing that cleanses your system the most.
**Throughout the day we drink 6-12 glasss of this lemonade mixture which is 1 cup water, 2 tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice, and 1 tbsp Grade B molasses. This actually tastes good, but the smell is what we will get sick of the quickest.
**We also take 2-3 cayenne pepper supplements throughout the day.
**Before bed we drink this detox laxative tea - and let me tell you, it works.

That's the deal I've gotten myself into. I think really I just didn't want to be left out of this adventure they are having. Also, I recently blogged about wanting to eat better and get control of my cravings, but it just hasn't happened so this is a way of breaking me of my dependency on food. I also got a call last night that West Side Story rehearsals, which was one of the biggest things holding me back from the diet because I need all my energy for rehearsals, are cancelled this week due to One Acts. So here we go...I might go crazy for a few days...if you see me on campus and I'm unusually crabby you now know why. I give you full permission though to walk up and tell me to 'get over it'.

i want my daddy back!

This past week we had Christival, a yearly conference at PBA intended to evangelize and spiritually refresh students. Vodie Bacchum was this year's speaker and I cannot overemphasize how amazing it was. If you ever get a chance to hear him, go! His teaching was straight from the Word and delivered in such a clear and fresh way. As a woman, I was so encouraged by his message on Biblical manhood. It was directed at all the young ladies in the room, whom he called his daughters for that session. It was a challenge to us not to let our desire for a husband overrule our need to be led by a strong man of God and it validated in me the vision that I have for a future marriage and family. This hope that I have is so often crushed and distorted that I struggle to believe it truly exists, but I know that it does. I think that godly men really do want someone to see in them the potential to be something great and they will rise to it if they are challenged and that is what Dr. Bacchum did for the guys on our campus that day. Christival ended Thurs. evening and all day Friday I felt grieved not to be able to go and receive more truth for my soul. But my time alone with the Lord has been so much richer and deeper the past two days then it was before because I am hungering for that level of Bible study and application that I've gotten all week. Too much we let ourselves drift back to spiritual milk and don't take the time to make ourselves a real dinner in the Word!